Love Yourself Tag to 1117
by Angie63
Summary: Dean tells Sam what happened when he thought Sam was dead.
**Love Yourself** Tag to 11.17

Dean was tired. They'd stopped twice to rest and sleep on the drive back to the bunker. Sam was in too much pain to try and drive all the way back to the bunker and Dean wouldn't have ever admitted it but he was grateful for the breaks in driving from the pain in his own ribs. The first night Dean hadn't slept at all, just sat up all night l awake leaning against the headboard of his own bed propped up by pillows just listening to Sam breathe. He hadn't cried, he just stayed awake grateful that Sam was there and alive. This being afraid Sam would die, leave him was taking a toll. Billie said "You can't be with out him". So many people, Sam included had said that to Dean. It was true. He admitted it to himself that night. He _couldn't_ imagine living with out Sam. He refused to try. Whatever it took he'd always find a way to save Sam. It was the only way he knew to live, to be himself. The second night they'd stopped an hour or so from home but it was as far as Dean could go .He told Sam he was stopping for Sam to rest and he was pretty sure Sam didn't buy it but he didn't put up a fight. Dean had dared to sleep a little that night more reassured that Sam really was okay, alive and staying that way.

But here they were in front of the bunker and Dean was suddenly achingly tired and feeling like he might cry and spill the beans to Sam about his attempted suicide and he sure as hell didn't want to go there. He pulled the keys from the ignition and turned to Sam who gave him a small smile. "Here we are. Home Sweet Bunker." He opened his door and came around to help Sam out. Sam took the hand he offered and winced a little as he unfolded himself from the Impala.

"It's good to be home.", Sam said, one hand on his hurt side. Dean was gathering their bags from the trunk. As he slammed the trunk shut he looked at Sam and fought back the tears that formed in his eyes. Hearing Sam refer to the bunker as _home_ would never get old.

"Come on", Dean said as he headed to the door. Sam followed and soon they were safely inside. Sam headed for the shower and Dean headed to the kitchen to see what he could make for dinner. He opted for chili. Simple. Sam liked it and it was a comfort food from growing up. He worked chopping and stirring and browning meat until finally the pot was simmering on the stove. As Dean began to clean up he knew he'd have to come clean to Sam. They'd said no more secrets. He hadn't been able to open up about the incidents on the sub and he'd been stuffing down his feelings about Cas letting Lucifer possess him. He opened the cabinet over the stove to take out the bottle of Jack and stopped. How would it help to drown his sorrows in whiskey? Too many nights he'd done that. He closed the door. Not tonight. He opened the fridge and pulled out a beer instead. No hard stuff and just a couple of these. He leaned on the counter, eyes closed. God he was so _fucking tired._

"Dean? Y'good?", said Sam as he padded into the kitchen in his bare feet and pajamas smelling of soap and shampoo. Dean opened his eyes. He took on the full length of his brother and was suddenly so grateful this kid he'd practically raised on his own was standing there fresh and clean in their kitchen, no hint of the ordeal he'd suffered visible. It was more than Dean could take. The dam of emotions he'd kept at bay for weeks broke, exploded into a deluge of tears. He sank to the floor, putting his head in his hands and sobbing. He _hated_ it, this show of emotion, this admission of weakness and he hated it most of all in front of _Sam._ He wanted to be strong for Sam, be the big brother, be the one in charge, the one with the answers but right now he felt like he'd failed. At everything. Sam moved a little too quickly and had to stop himself before lowering himself down to the floor beside Dean. He put an arm around Dean's neck and pulled his brother close. Dean turned his face into Sam's shoulder not fighting any more, only knowing Sam was there and he was and they were there together.

"I gotcha Dean", Sam said softly. "It's okay. I've gotcha. We made it. It's okay Dean" Slowly Dean began to feel calmer, to be able to control his emotions. He pulled away from Sam and leaned back against the cabinets. Sam didn't say anything, just waited, sensing Dean had something to say, worried it might not be all that good.

"Sammy I gotta…when you.. when I thought you were dead…." He broke off. Sam squeezed his shoulder. And waited. Dean swallowed and turned to face Sam. "I ….was gonna make a deal, bring you back…"

Sam stiffened. "Dean, we said no more deals. If .." His brother held up his hand. He paused.

"I…oh god Sam this is …okay I took a handful of pills and"

Sam shot back with, "You did _what?_ You fucking tried to commit suicide? Dean what the hell were you thinking?"

"I think it was more than a try Sam. I think I _was_ dead. I saw that reaper…Billie. She said no deal. Then she said you weren't really dead. She was going to reap me and the doctor brought me back somehow." He looked at Sam who was regarding him with tear filled almost angry hazel eyes. "I'm sorry Sammy. I just couldn't…."

Sam sighed and ran his hands through his damp hair. "Dean, it's this thing you do. You don't want to be alone. You want to save me. You think it's your job. But it's not Dean. It stopped being your job to take care of me a long time ago."

Dean turned to face Sam fully. "It's not about just not wanting to be alone Sam. You're my brother. You're the only family I got. You need to live Sammy. You're .."

Once again Sam cut him off. "Dean, I know you love me. I have known that my whole life. Make no mistake brother. I _know._ But what I'd like is for you to love _you._ Just a little. Dean you matter. Just as much as me. You have this idea I matter more than you. I _don't._ You are just as important. And Dean, _you're_ the only family I have. So start learning to value that for me okay?" Dean stared at the kitchen floor. Sam was right of course. Each of them only had the other. Before he could speak he found himself surrounded by little brother's arms. "Promise me Dean. No deals. No suicide. No 'accidents". Okay?" Dean relaxed and let his head fall on Sam's shoulder." Dean? Promise?" Sam's voice was ragged like he was about to cry as well.

"I promise." Dean whispered. Sam hugged him closer. Dean didn't care about chick flick moments. He just cared that he was here on the floor of their kitchen with the one person who mattered.

Sam let him go and they both sat there quiet until Sam said, "What smells so good?" Dean grinned.

"Dinner. Chili. Your favorite". Sam gave him a dimpled smile. Dean pulled himself to his feet and held out a hand to Sam. He gently pulled Sam to his feet. He pushed Sam in a chair at the table and got him a beer. Reaching into the cupboard, he filled two bowls with chili, grabbed some spoons and a bag of shredded cheese from the fridge. He deposited it all on the table. Sam reached for the cheese and put a generous handful in his steaming bowl. He took a big bite and smiled.

"it's good. Just like always." Dean picked up his own spoon. It was good to know some things could always be the same. Like a bowl of chili. And knowing your brother loved you no matter what. They had to get Cas back. They had work to do. But tonight Dean would take this. Sitting here with Sam eating dinner in the kitchen .

Sam watched his brother as he seemed lost in thought. He vowed to make Dean feel loved and important and valuable. And when Sam Winchester set his mind to something, he didn't stop until he accomplished it.


End file.
